| mothers day and life |
[07 May 2005|11:22pm] |
so let me first start this off with the fact that tomorrow is mother's day...big fucking deal. just like last mothers day i don't quite have a mother to celebrate it with. not that its a friggin holiday or anything but still it's the fact that i do have a mother she just doesn't care about me which is kind of upsetting because parents should care about their own fuckin kids but apparently love nahh it's overated. i probably should've figured this out way before now...my dad never cared about me why should my mom? anyways i've been working a lot lately. in fact i've worked more hours just in this past week then i have in about a month. i was doing pretty good balancing the work at limited too with my new job at the childrens place until the dm at children's place told me that i couldn't work at both jobs...i can't afford to work one job. i was negative $354 in my bank account on friday and my paycheck and taxes that i got back...totaling $218 yahhh i didn't see one penny of that. so now i need to make a decision. i thought that if i had to i'd be ok with leaving limited too but now im not so sure. i've work there for so long and for the most part i love it. i don't know if i wanna go to a new company with all new people and start over. i mean it could be good but it could also wind me up in a place that i don't wanna be in which is usually where i find myself on most ocassions. like this. i never wanted me and my mom to be like this. i never wanted shit to go how it does. i never imagined that i wouldn't get to graduate with my class or that in just one year i would see how quickly people and life and relationships change or that love...it doesn't seem to mean anything. at all. at least not for me. im finding out that people who said they loved me or said they cared about me really didn't. fuck it. what's the point in caring about anyone when no one cares about you. everything changes and you can never go back and get what you had. when you lose it it's gone. usually forever. you might try and relapse the whole situation but it's only time before shit gets fucked up. at least when it comes to my life. i hate my life. i worked 11-10 today. well almost because i had to leave children's place early. anyways that's all i've been doing lately is working. which is good because eventually at some point i might actually have some money and it also helps as a temporary retrival from reality. i was looking back on all my journal entries...it's so funny how things change so fast. at any moment everything can change. at least i can say that i had a fun time at work today and that kelly is an amazing friend and i love her. and kahlie is an amazing friend as well and i love her too. all the things that they both have done for me will never be forgotten. it really means a lot to me. lately i've just been staying home and staying out of trouble trying to be a little more responsible and for once im actually content and perfectly happy with that. i wanna grow up cause i hate where i am right now in life and i want it all to end. i feel like i've been on this roller coaster for years and i just wanna get off the ride so will somebody please stop it. mom i know you'll never read this and i know you just don't care but happy mother's day anyways and despite everything i still love you a lot and i always will.
now it's just to late and we can't go back
im sorry
i can't be perfect* <33
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| nahh life...im all set |
[01 May 2005|09:46am] |
i have finally reached the point where i realize that i am falling apart. it won't be long now until im torn. i have to wonder what the point of anything really is anymore. like your friends. you spend the majority of time with these people making a few good memories and for a while it seems like a good relationship but then before you even know it things aren't like they use to be and to be completely honest they probably never will be again. i mean the whole forgive and forget concept. what's up with that. can you really forgive someone when you'll never forget what they did? im a little late for reality. a lot of people tried to help me out but i don't know what's wrong with me. things that i really want or relationships that i realy love never last because i always fuck things up and then it seems im sorry but by then it's just too late. i guess there are some mistakes that can't be forgiven. i make mistakes all the time because im not perfect and i never will be. i can't change that either. drugs. ya. about those...i don't even know why i do them anymore. to be quite honest im completely bored with life. im tired of the same routine that most people seem to find themselves in. shit i'll be first to admit that i've had my fair share of fun times on drugs but it's old now. i don't wanna do this anymore however if i did it's really not anyones business but my own. that's the troulbe in leominster though. everyone makes it their jobs to get involved with other people's personal affairs. shit it's really quite simple. if it's not your business then stay the fuck out. since when did invitations to get invovled with other people's lives get sent out to half the population of leominster. let people do what they wanna do and if they mess shit up then that's their problem but don't run your mouths about shit you know nothing about. it's just unecessary. people don't need that. life is pathetic. if anyone finds a meaning or a purpose for it let me know cause as far as im concerned it's a bitter sweet symphony.
im sorry i let you down
don't give up on me yet
don't forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but don't let me stay here alone.
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| Another Friday Nite... |
[07 Jan 2005|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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eminem |
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Another friday night with nothing to do and no where to go...Oh wait actually I take that back there is something to do and somewhere to go but I just can't do anything. I love my life! Well Im at Nesser's at least cause I <3 her to pieces...until the day I die ;) Anyways at least I did get to do something today. Hung out with the boys..always fun. Me and Matt left school early and went to his house, then Jarrod, Tom, Geo, and Steve came over. We all went drifting and that was fun...Steve almost crashed a couple times and her ran a few people off the road including us...good times in the snow :) Then I went home for a little bit so I wouldn't get in trouble ya know being grounded rocks! Then Matt came and picked me up with Duche and we went to Steve's. Fun night. We went to blockbuster and I was sticking candies in Steve's pants...cute. Anways then I went to work which I just love when little seven year old girls are little bitches and give me attitude..how bout they get the fuck outta my store and don't come back yeah thanks much appreciated. However I do love it when my little girlies come to visit me, especially my two favorite Kiry and Nestler <3 Well me and the nestler are gonna try to find something to do or just go to sleep. Later.
XoxO
birdie bird
P.S. You NEVER EVER REALLY know who you CAN TRUST...just a thought ;)
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| VACATION BABY... |
[28 Dec 2004|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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So Christmas is over but I still haven't opened all my presents. Can't wait to finish that, hopefully I get some money to add to the $12.50 that I have. Which by the way I was discussing this with Jarrod earlier, why would you give someone $12.50, are you that broke that you can't even at least scrounge up 50 cents and give the person $13...apparently not. Anyways it snowed a lot last nite so me and my girl nestler are goin sledding because truly we are the only two who know how to have fun. Im at Liser's right now...<3 mucho mucho I gotta find my sweatshirt, I left it here back in my drunken days when I was completely shitfaced and had previously almost killed myself by knocking a sword of some kid's wall when Dave was carrying me out...opps ;) Anyways that was the ultimate sweatshirt and I really hope I find it! Last nite I was sick but I feel better now. After work me, civ, and steve went to her house for a little bit, then we picked up liser and then we went to go visit Dr.Greenthumb...gotta love him! So it was a pretty fun night and now I'm out for a sledding adventure with the Leger troops. Fun awaits...LATER :) X o x O
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| yahh yahh |
[22 Dec 2004|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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switchfoot |
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so i haven't wrote in this in a while. a very long time actually, partially because i never really seem to have time and because all these live journals seem to do is start a lot of shit. im not into that. i say no to the drama. thanks though. anyhow i was just thinking and having a little talk with one of my friends on how things change. kinda sucks. not to say that there isn't such a thing as a good change because there is however changes that i always seem to occur around are never really any good. i hate that. i hate how when you have something that is really good you never seem to realize how good it truly is, usually not until its too late anyways. not to say that you didn't enjoy it while you had but its almost like you didn't really understand what is was really worth to you because you never took the time to value it and realize that tomorrow isn't promised and neither are your friends or your family. you never ever know what will happen next so you should always be prepared. thats all i have to say for now just a little thought that i thought i would write about...later ;)
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[18 Oct 2004|01:38pm] |
So I'm home cause I was suspended from school today...niiice job lex. It's alright though. Anyways I have senior pics tomorrow hopefully that goes okay, its suppose to rain :( but im praying that it won't (cross your fingers). I'm listening to all these songs that I haven't heard in forever and the new ones that I just finished dl. It's weird, there's something about music...it has the power to completely change the way you're feeling. Strange. I'm listening to one song in particular that reminds me of a certain someone, actually a few people. I might just have to change it or I might just have to cry. I'm trying not to keep on looking back but it's just too hard and I don't even know why I would want to anyways because it just hurts. If I distract myself and concentrate on other things which are good than I'll be alright. Like the fact that me and kay are having a little party tonight (PB&J) can't wait for that!! I got some new clothes, can't wait to wear those! Cutest sweater I love it. So I've had a lot of things happen to me and I was just wondering how your suppose to differ from what's real and what's not cause I seem to frequently fall for people's lies or maybe I know their lying and I don't want to deal with it because it's easier to just pretend like I don't know. I need to fix everything in my life that's broken and re-arrange my priorities. Anyways Story of the Year is coming in 9 days!! Then 4 days after that it's Avril! Can't wait it's gonna be so much fun and if you like them you should come too. :) Well I'm off to take a shower and try to wash some of my feelings down the drain. Buh Bye ;)
*I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore*
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[10 Oct 2004|10:00am] |
so pretty good night last night. Started out at Steve's but than we went to Brock's. There were a decent amount of people there. Kay, Lise, Ness, and me were all drinkin it up together. You guys are so much fun I love you ;) Anyways we went to some other party on Middle Street but we only stayed there for a little bit. After that we had Evan bring us to Elise's house. She was so drunk and too funny. We ordered free domino's thanks to me and kay* and than MP, Elise's little "FRIEND" came over with Chris for a little while. Than me and kay brought Chris home in MP's car. Chris gave me 4 bucks but MP had no gas so I had to use it for that. So it was like 3 in the morning and me and kay were cruisin around in his explorer listening to nsync. We decided that we were gonna go back to Steve's cause we told me we were going there anyways and we wanted to see them. We walked in Steve's house and he was sleeping like a little geek on the couch watching tv, matt was sleeping in another room and we found jarrod downstairs he looked pretty sick so his sister was sure to take care of the little beer pong champion. We left there around 4 and went back to Elise's and I lost my sandal outside when me and kay were running to to her house but I got it back this morning. Kay woke me up cause my Mum was on the phone...that was a pretty niice phone call lets see she called me and it was way after 9 a.k.a. 9:01. wow she was a little upset cause i was suppose to call her at 8, sorry i was sleeping. Kill me. Anyways me kay and lise learned that love is a verb so go show us some action.
Getting ready to go out and look for jobs cause we need em. Yup i have no money and I am suppose to pay for senior pictures tomorrow. awwwwesommmmmmmmme way to go lex
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| pretty fucked up |
[04 Oct 2004|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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headstrong |
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so its pretty fucked up how my "BEST FRIEND" talks shit about me and she can't even deny it this time cause I fuckin heard her. So fuck that shit 3 years of friendship almost 4 and for what, for someone to fuck me over like that. No I don't think so, you know if there is one thing I've learned its that you can't rely on anyone! I'm so upset right now cause I don't think that I've ever done anything to fuck her over but she's done it before and yet again, she loves to talk shit and run her mouth thats all she ever fuckin does and I always stick up for her but fuck that this time I am done. I know that a part of me while I'm writing this and saying this is wishing that this all never happened because I loved her so much and I still do but I can't keep up with this anymore.
-i heard that you were living well but you don't look like your living to me though the sparkle is gone the smile is in place so that everyone watching can see you've got them all convinced but I know it so well that you could list your friends but you can't count on them hold it now you've got everyone convinced that your alright when no one else is quite as vulnerable-
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| wicked sweet life |
[03 Oct 2004|10:56am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Deep Inside of You |
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so i guess it just wouldn't be a complete day without something getting fucked up right?? Well not for me anyways because somehow I always find a way to hurt someone or mess things up. Guess thats just me and it sucks to be me right now. Yesterday was a pretty good day, I went shopping with Wilson at the Providence Place and we got some really cute things and we just had a fun day together like we always do. Later we had to go to work, which wasn't too bad because I was on cash but then this asshole came in and flipped out on me but whatever I wasn't to worried about it. Nick let both me and Danielle out early at like 8:30 and then we went to walmart. She dropped me off at my house and then picked me back up at like 9:30. We went back to her Dad's house and I called Chris, he was with John and they wanted us to come out with all them but we decided not too. Then Dave called me and he was with Matt and they were bored so they decided to come over. Then a little after that Steve came over with Cruz and then Geo and Ricky showed up. We were all upstairs smoking when Steve B and Jarrod came but they stayed downstairs. Well it was like almost midnight and me and Danielle were gonna go home so we went down to leave and then I was talking to Jarrod but I guess everyone said that I was flirting and even though I don't think I was and Danielle should know better than to think that I would ever like Jarrod like that. I guess people always tell her that I flirt with Jarrod which I think is funny cause I'm like never away from her and when I am I'm not with Jarrod so that's wicked sweet. Awesome how one of my friends told her that too when I say her on Friday in school for like a minute and Jarrod was just sitting next to me but alright. People have always told me that its only a matter of time before people will fuck you over but at some point they will, even if they don't mean to. Well I guess I'm the one who's fucked someone over and the one who's been fucked over too. I'm always faced with choices and I ALWAYS make the wrong ones. I just wish I was dead so I didn't have to bother with all this shit. I hate life and I hate me. I hate everything, everything I've ever said or done cause I don't have anything reliable in my life cause things just seem to change all the time. I've built my life around something insecure and everything is falling in on me and I don't know if I can put everything back together. I hope so but things aren't looking up for me. I love this girl so much, she's my best friend but she's gone. Things aren't the same between us, we can try and we do to pretend like they are but I don't know how much longer thats gonna work. I have so many memories with her and its just too hard to let them all go but I don't think I have a choice this time, but I'm sure I'll still find some way to fuck something up. I'M SORRY.
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| Back to School |
[05 Sep 2004|01:53pm] |
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So we're back to school now which sucks, but my classes aren't too bad and its senior year so im excited for that :) No school tomorrow YEAH so pumped so yet another party at Nicole's house. Her rents left for the weekend and peantz's pops is peacing out tomorrow morning so we'll just be partying over there. Me and peantz have senior pics on tuesday so we're skipping school. I wish I had some money so I could go shopping but nope. Peantz lots like 70 dollars the other night at blockbuster which sucked cause she was out and some lucky asshole was in. So I think its pretty sweet how people like love to lie all the time and shit and how people use you. Especially people that are suppose to be your friends, well actually their not OUR FRIENDS. Like this stupid SLUT that me and Danielle work with is such a bitch and likes to run her mouth about shit thats not true. O well she's a whore so I'm not too worried about that. I'm pretty tired right now cause I didn't get too much sleep last night. Steve and Steve came over around 11 and then Chris and Nick came over with Duke his friend Dave. Then Dave and Brock came over and then Ricky, Geo, and Matt. The boys from work left around 1 and everyone else slept over except for Brock and Dave. So Nicole almost got arrested at the mall today..I don't think any of us will be going there any time soon. I wanna get really drunk tonight so I can't wait til later. I was kind of mad at Dave last night cause I think that it's kinda fucked up the way that he always has parties and never invites us but then talks to us when he wants something?? I guess its not him though cause he says that we're always invited, I guess it's Jarrod but Jarrod won't admit it. Well I'm not mad cause I never stay mad so whatever. Well I'm gonna go get ready for the day so lata
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| late night with the ladies |
[22 Aug 2004|02:47am] |
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mood |
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i hate liars |
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music |
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fuck you hoe::*Eamon.. |
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ok well maybe im not going to bed. Late night up with the girls. We ordered Domino's cause Lyss was drunk and had to have pizza, then the guy came and she gave him a 15 cent tip, so basically he'll be spittin in our pizza next time if we ever call back. Sweet how I had to work about 6 hours for this nice shirt I just got the other night and i fuckin ripped it. ERR Well of course all my girls have my back and are ready to help me out and buy me a new one. People are so gay they talk so much shit and then love to deny everything. If you have the balls to say it in the first place than you should be able to fuckin admit shit without a problem. Well looks like I'll be lookin for another job cause I'm probly not gonna get any hours anyways. Okay a lot of people talk shit and then act like their my friends but I can sleep nice tonight knowing that their are at least 3 people who will never fuck me over no matter what and thats for two reasons, one is that they love me and they would just never do that to me and another is because if they ever did i would fuckin kill them but i don't have to worry about that. Well im really going to bed now fuck gettin up in the morning. Loved the smirnies and the weed tonight right girls. ;)
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| summers endingg |
[21 Aug 2004|11:38pm] |
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Well summer is almost over so me and my crew are partying up the last few days of summer that we have...FUN, FUN, FUN!! I just got back from florida a couple of days ago. I was in Orlando and it absolutely sucked. I don't ever wanna go back, well not with another dumb bitch anyways. I went with two of my friends but I've been finding out that one of them is just a shit talker so she can go fuck herself (Michelle). Anyways I love my other girls they are so great..I think I have the best friends in the whole world!! Once I got back home I was so glad to see Leominster! Me and Peanut hung out with the boys later that night and Danielle was cruisin around in Dave's truck...too funny!! I LOVE HER..hate how people talk so much shit and love to make things up. Ha ha I think it's pretty funny. Last night I hit up Worcester in the Camaro with none other than Peanut, my favorite girl. We saw the boys down there, Ricky, Jarrod, Steve, and Dave drivin around in Ricky's nice new mustang. Their so cute. Anways tonight Nicole's rents are gone so we're partying it up at her house. Me and my girl Lyss are downin the smirnies ;) we'll take care of those girls. Aww how cute is Danielle :) hehe Me and Nicole smokin a strawberry blunt..tonight was good but we have to get up early tomorrow so Im out.
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